“Mom's Funny, But Not Ha-Ha Funny:”
A Collection of Columns by Sally Sotos

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About The Author

Sally Sotos graduated from Glenbard West High School (Glen Ellyn, IL), Miami University (Ohio) and Loyola University School of Law (Chicago), in that order. She has been practicing law since 1977, and writing humor columns since 2005. Sally and her husband, George, a lawyer currently serving time as a judge, reside in Elmhurst, Illinois with their beagles, Wally and Aidan. Sally and George have two daughters: Mary, a St. Olaf College graduate, lives in Washington, D.C. and works for World Resources Institute; Maggie, a Gustavus Adolphus College graduate, lives in Minneapolis eking out a living as an improv actor and playwright.

How To Order Sally's Book

Sally's book is available for sale at:

  • Cornerstone Books, 22 S. Villa Ave., Villa Park, IL 60181, 630-832-1020, cornerstoneusedbooks.com
  • At Last Shop, 1395 Blue Star Highway, Glenn, MI 49408, 269-227-3859
  • Amazon.com.

E-mail Sally at elmhurstss@aol.com for more information.

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Excerpts From "Mom's Funny, But Not Ha-Ha Funny"

  • Going to the Dogs

    “Our first dog, Pockets, slept on our bed with us for years, which you should never permit, for the same reasons you should never permit your kids to do so, namely, they take up too much precious space, move around too much and snore too loud.”

    “Our beagles lack the mental skills to unwrap their leashes when they’re around a tree. Finally we untangle them and watch as they gallop madly, tongues flying, toward and around the next obstacle they can find, often an elderly pedestrian. The neighbor’s German shepherd looks out the window at them with contempt. “Schweinhunden!” he thinks to himself, and returns to watching C-Span.”

  • Travel and Adventure

    “The younger generation nowadays doesn’t understand that one of the reasons Psycho was scary was not that the motel looked so creepy; the movie was scary because back in 1960 the motel looked so normal. A lot of motels looked like the Bates back then.”

    “Maybe you’re like my husband, whose memories of bus rides include field trips from the military academy he attended as a youth. The first leg of the trip would include full-throated renditions of those immortal travel tunes, ‘99 Bottles of Beer’ and ‘Hand Jive,’ repeated until the faculty chaperones -- combat-hardened veterans of the Battle of the Bulge, the Bataan Death March and the invasion of Inchon -- were reduced to quivering mounds of jelly, ready to confess to war crimes they had never

  • witnessed or even contemplated. Once the adults on the bus were effectively neutralized, the boys could get about the real business of the trip, springing for each others’ throats. My husband still thinks Lord of the Flies was a documentary.”

  • Beauty, Health and Fashion

    “Then there are the sales clerks who pounce as you walk in, eager to explain the day’s many terrific bargains. They mean well, I guess, but they catch me at a bad moment: I’m shopping, see, so by definition it’s a bad moment.”

    “I have also heard that the male unshaven look is intended to separate the men from the boys, particularly the ones with baby face looks: you know, ‘I’m a big boy: I have facial hair.’ News flash: grown-ups own razors and know how to use them. Hint: they work better when you install a blade. Let Mommy or Daddy show you how.”

  • Hearth and Home

    “I admit that I am always surprised when the toilet functions during a power outage. On the other hand, I used to be surprised that the telephone also functioned when the power went off, until we switched our phone service, and now the phone doesn’t work when the lights don’t work. What a relief: it’s performing exactly as expected, by not performing.”

    “Why is it that advertising pictures of model kitchens so often feature glass-front cupboards with perfectly matched plates and bowls neatly stacked on the shelves? Where are the precariously teetering Rubbermaid plastic leftover containers, the World’s Greatest Dad mugs, the Brookfield Zoo water bottles?”

  • Food, Glorious Food

    “The 1943 edition of The Joy of Cooking has a recipe for tomato pancakes, which notes bravely that they ‘have an attractive red brown color.’ Going down and coming up, I’ll bet.”

    “This cookbook’s chapter on ‘Luncheon and Supper Dishes’ also contains a recipe for ‘Brunswick Stew,’ to make your family feel like they’re eating at the bowling alley. Again. There are also directions for ‘Bananas in Blankets,’ but the blankets turn out to be strips of bacon: Filling All Your Nitrite Needs Since 1943!”

What People Have Said About Sally's Columns

  • “Having just read your most recent column, I have to tell you that I will be out of a job if I continue to laugh at my desk like this every day the paper is delivered!” — Barb S.
    “Saw your column today and couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Nice wordsmithing.” — Julie L.
  • “I read your columns two or three times (at least) before I send them to my sister in Florida.” — Dorothy S.
    “These columns should get you nominated for a Pulitzer in journalism. Very entertaining -- right up there with Dave Barry, for whom the choir sings when humor columnists are discussed.” — Kip P.
  • “Wow . . . laughed my head off!! Thank you so much for bringing some levity my way.” — Julie H.
    “I very much enjoy reading your column. I love the humor, the fun and the satire.” — Jan F.
  • “Just wanted to say that I love your column in the Independent! I read it every week, been hooked on it for about 6 months now.” — Nick J.
    “I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your column. I can relate to so many of your stories. Thanks for making my mornings!” — Sue N.
  • “I feel as if I’d had a chat with a friend over my morning coffee. Well done -- I look forward to more entertaining columns!” — Linda K.
    “Thanks for the entertainment!” — Karen E.
  • “Thanks for your keen observations and sense of fun.” — Natalie R.
    “I’m sure you’ve been ‘flooded’ with e-mails. However, I had to let you know that I thoroughly enjoyed your ‘Topical Storm’ article. Thanks for bringing me back from a ‘wave’ of emotions to my regular sense of humor.” — Kim N.
  • “Most of the time I sit by myself and read your column and smile and giggle but this time I just cracked up. Your column is on my list of things that make me smile even when I’m alone.” — Bob D.
    “I wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your column. You are able to discuss your ‘subject’ in such a humorous and colorful way . . . lots of fun to read.” — Betsy D.
  • “Generous applause for Sally Sotos for the delightful writing exhibited in her Viewpoint column. Her words, as refreshing as a whiff of fragrances from an herb garden, enchant the reader. Once your cerebrum tunes in to her opening patter, you’re ensnared, like filings onto a magnet. When you reach the end of her column, you want more and eagerly look forward to the next issue of the Independent.” — Joe S.
    “I really look forward to reading Sally Sotos’ column in the Elmhurst Independent. Her stories about family, neighbors and her community are always clever and fun to read. Thanks for a real bright spot in your paper.” — Robin A.